Life's been interesting lately. Interesting in the I hate it kind of way. Life hasn't been going my way for about four years now. I'm definitely numb to it -- but I think it's having a bad effect on my grades, sleeping habits, and ambition. I don't really know what to do about it.
I'm trying to figure out what I want to do with my life, all the while being controlled by my job. I feel like I'm selling myself short by staying at Chick-fil-A. But I also don't feel like I'll ever be good at anything anyway, so I might as well stay and make the most of it. That's the thing, though, I don't have the ambition to be good at anything. I don't have the willpower. Even the things I absolutely love to do are a chore to me if it doesn't involve laying in bed all day.
This is just getting so ridiculous. I'm so tired of being this way, but I don't have any other options it seems. I don't have the resources to do what I want to do: Wedding Photography. I don't even have the talent. Don't hire me, I'll screw it up.
What are five things you're good at?
Submitted by HapaLove.Eating, sleeping, checking my e-mail, my job, and airbrushing photos. Short & sweet.
I wish I had something constant sometimes. Turns out, Kip & I will not be marrying this summer. I sucks that in any endeavor you choose, actually doing it depends on how much money you do or do not have. My parents, never in my lifetime, will be able to afford a wedding. Kip & I are floating our own. We also cannot sufficiently support ourselves on our own. By $100. That's it. A measley $100 a month. I got my raise and my promotion at work. Yes, I got 8-ton more responsibility, supposedly matched by a 50 cent raise. Not my idea of well earned. I need more than that. That's probably the straw that broke it all. That and the fact that Kip's parents wanted us to wait another year, hanging over our heads. However, of course, once we had finally made all our phone calls, calling off the wedding, they call Kip and tell them they're okay with us marrying this summer. PERFECT TIMING. Why can't anything go my way? EVER?
My mind is so screwed up now. My heart is broken. I just don't know what to do. As far as my whole being was concerned, I was planning a wedding, looking for a place to live, and going to get married in 6 months. But after one shattered attempt at a wedding after another, it finally came to be impossible. So now, the trick is getting my body and mind and heart back into neutral mode and prepare them all for another year and six months of dating the boy I'm supposed to be marrying.
I wish something in life, just once, would go the way I want it to.
I'm ready for it.
I'm pretty sure that I have now seen "The Departed" three amazing times. I love this movie. Definitely heading straight for "classic" status.
I successfully quit SIFE & I'm already beginning to feel a ton better. I do feel terrible in retrospect for quitting, but it turns out they were about to fire me anyway. Things work out when they should.
My dad isn't in the hospital anymore, but may be going back again. The heart hospital told him they won't work on him. I'm not sure why, but they're not going to go through with the surgery. I think it's because he's such a high risk. They told him to go see his cardiologist. Could be good or bad, I suppose.
My brother is still being tested. They said that schitzophrenia comes out around the late teens and early twenties and so he's at the right age to be beginning to show signs. I'm so nervous. His girlfriend, Tiffany, is going to stay with him, even though he's put her through so much pain. I'm going to support her decision and try to comfort her when I can. She's definitely getting into a wreck of a family, that's for sure.
I'm really psyched about my "plans" to apprentice a photographer. I desire this so much.
I also got a very good haircut today! I wasn't going to cut it & grow it out for my wedding. I've decided to save up for extensions instead. I love my short hair much better.
In a not so delighting manner.
Today was a day chock-full of nasty. I hated today.
I tend to be friendly and optimistic. I please everyone I can with no regard to myself. Alright, let's cut the single sentences. Let's go into detail.
I had to e-mail Stacey this morning to talk about SIFE consulting. SIFE is a program/competition where we help small and upcoming local businesses get good starts by helping them with accounting and marketing and other nice things. Well, the problem with me being involved in this is that I began work on the SIFE Annual Report (which is the part we show to the judges at regionals & nationals) and that's a full load in itself. I also picked up a job at Anderson Media Group in order to get some more design experience for my resume & portfolio. I was okay with just doing the annual report and AMG. Stacey begged me to pick up consulting as well, though. So did one of my professors. So, I took their belief in me as a guarantee that this would be possible to manage. Well -- I was wrong. VERY wrong. My SIFE team needed mostly design work and since I was already doing a TON of design work in other areas, I couldn't give it the attention it needed. Especially since I was the only designer in the group. I keep letting all of my AMG coworkers down by not getting things in completely on time (which isn't always completely my fault), and I'm letting my advisor for the Annual Report down because I don't have time for meetings on top of my consulting meetings. And therefore, I'm letting my SIFE team down because I cannot do the design work they need me to do on top of the other jobs I have involving design. Websites take a lot of time!!
Moving on from that rambling mess...
I'm also trying to plan a wedding that is going to take place in seven months and working twenty hours a week to pay for my car and the gas to get to work. I'm training for a management position in order to get another raise that will hopefully help support Kip & I next year.
Not only that, but my family is a wreck right now. My grandma recently died and as of this week, my brother and father are BOTH in the hospital. They believe my brother may be schitzophrenic and my dad my be dying of heart failure. We don't know what's going on in either one of the cases. Therefore, I'm not even doing homework anymore because I don't have time to.
I had to let something go. I feel bad since I'm not making everyone happy... But I just can't do it anymore.
I'm considering taking a semester off. I want to apprentice a photographer and learn some portraiture techniques. I'd also like to learn how to take pictures of food. Weird, I know. But I know a lot of professional photographers and I think a semester of my life without classes or books and a sole focus on family and photography with a little hint of self-discovery and lots of full-time Chick-fil-A may do me good.
I'm ready to breathe. I want to feel alive and good at something again.
I've come to the conclusion lately that I am terribly dissatisfied with my life as it is. I try to be optimistic, but I find it hard when I have a tendency to forget how young I actually am.
I'm only twenty, but I'm getting married. This ages me significantly. Especially when I realize that I picked the wrong
I wish I wouldn't have gone to Anderson because I don't know what I want to do when I grow up. I'm a Junior and I still don't know what I want to do. Everyone tells me I have my whole life to find out, but I don't. I'm paying for my education now. I'm never going to be able to afford this; and therefore, can never afford to go back to school when I finally decide. I should have waited before I went to college. Sometimes, I think I tell myself that I don't know what I want to do because I don't want to fess up to actually knowing. I want to be a graphic designer or an animator. I want to learn Flash. I don't want to be an art-based designer which is the only program offered at this school. I cannot draw; I doodle. I cannot paint and I cannot sculpt. How does that disqualify me from being a talented designer? I don't believe it disqualifies me at all. Anderson does. Not to sound conceited, but I am a far better graphic designer than most of our design students because they're not taught on computers. Some of them are amazing, but I'm not any less qualified to be them or get the jobs they're going to get. I'm just not formally trained because I have never had the opportunity. And now, since I made the wrong choice of school -- I never will be able to afford the opportunity.
Moving on. I want to love music more than I do and I want a short/fun haircut. I want people to like me and want to be around me. I want to go to shows and like tons of music and dress really cute. I have combination skin. Combination skinned girls will never be cute. All the make up in the world couldn't cover up these dark circles. All the girls I envy have beautiful skin. They're not perfect, but they don't have acne or dark circles or weirdly placed freckles. That's what sets me apart. Everything else I can fix.
Maybe I'm just never truly happy unless I'm pretending to be somebody else.
I'm the definition of the very person I hate.
I rarely use Vox as a form of expressing myself. For some reason, I feel like using it tonight.
Choosing one of my online journals to write in is like choosing a pen for taking notes in class. I take an enormous selection of pens, pencils, and highlighters with me to every class session. I cannot stand poor handwriting & therefore test all of my pens for the best possible outcome before taking class notes. Usually, this causes me not to take any notes at all, but to doodle viciously all over my notebooks. I can't help it.
Moving on...
Life has been so weird lately. My family is still enduring major hardship (as always, it seems) but I'm slowly becoming numb to it. And that feels so much better. We never lost the house; God did prevail. However, my dad's alcoholism has kicked back up & he's making ridiculous decisions based on his lack of sobriety. It's getting really difficult to connect with him. The last time he was like this, I was eight. I'm nearing twenty-one & don't exactly know how to handle this.
I changed my major, but it looks like I should still be graduating on time. That's a blessing beyond belief. I may still graduate a semester late, but only due to a class or two.
Work is progressing. I should be getting a raise soon & an eventual promotion to manager.
I have come upon the conclusion that I would love to start college over from a brand new perspective. I feel as if I may have wasted my opportunity to experience college for all that it is worth. Sometimes I wish I would have pursued Hope College & gone there; but, upon meeting Kip, I know this is where I was meant to be. However, if I could start Anderson over again I would live in Rice hall my freshman year in order to make friends, I would have started as a business major, I would have tried harder, I would have rushed Alacritas my Sophomore year, and I would have gone to more events on campus in order to meet more people. I'm left, my Junior year, only hanging out with Kip & my roommates. Roommates that I only met this year. I have no preceeding friends. I have not connected with anyone. I can't depress myself with this though, because upon realizing that I have wasted my chances to meet people here, I have grown so much closer to the friends I already have. My girlfriends from highschool mean so much more to me than I could have ever imagined. I never recognized their loyalty until I needed them more than anything. If they ever find this, I just want to say thank you.
This hodge-podge entry has been cleansing. I know I could write a million more things. But I'll stop for now.
Did you dress up today? See any good costumes?
I worked all night tonight. I did, however, have to go to a church function as our mascot for work.
So, I kind of dressed up and saw TONS of costumes. Does that count?
I think the little 2 year old down syndrome boy dressed as tigger using his walker was the cutest.
He definitely stole my heart.
